How to jazz up your sex life

by SHARON BEXLEY, femail.co.uk

Just making a few changes in your relationship can make a huge difference to how lustful you feel. Try these tactics and see how quickly your sex life goes from ho-hum to HOT!

1. Share a fantasy

You may feel awkward or embarrassed about sharing your favourite fantasy with your man. But if you can, you'll find that it's an effective way to bring the fun back into sex.

Our sex therapist Julia Cole says: "Sharing a fantasy lets your creative side in to your sex life. Say you enjoy imagining making love in front of a log fire in a mountain cabin. There are elements of that fantasy you can create in your own home.

"For example, you could make love on a fur rug in front of the fire - probably somewhere you don't usually do it - which in itself adds an extra dimension of excitement. Whatever your fantasy, you can usually recreate some element of it, even if you can't do the real thing.

"What's great about this is it brings the fun back into sex. Enjoying sex and laughing about it makes it less about 'performance' and more about mutual enjoyment."

2. Go sexy shopping

A turn on in itself, whether or not you buy anything. If you're embarrassed about looking through sexy lingerie or sex toys in a shop, the internet offers all sorts of opportunites to browse with your lover.

Says Julia: "Buying a new sex toy or watching an erotic movie will arouse both of you: not just in using it, but also the anticipation and feelings of 'naughtiness' while you're deciding.

"That naughty feeling is a part of sex that we often forget about, but it's an important part of sexual enjoyment." The process of shopping itself can be a good intimacy boost.

"If you're browsing the internet looking for sex toys together, you'll inevitably be talking about sex, saying things like: 'I like that' or 'That doesn't do anything for me,' which is something most partners never do," explains Julia. "A lasting benefit of this is that your partner will be clued up about what really turns you on."

If you feel uncomfortable about browsing adult sites, www.nicesextoys.co.uk is sexy rather than sleazy. Or try Julia's own website, www.emotionalbliss.co.uk, for erotic stories and vibrators with a difference. For a huge selection of erotic books, try www.amazon.co.uk

3. Revamp your underwear drawer

Wearing gorgeous underwear shouldn't just be for the times you think you might get lucky. Wearing it everyday gives a definite emotional boost and may subtly switch your arousal level from "off" to "on."

Says Julia: "If you are feeling a bit depressed about your body, sexy underwear is definitely for you. It's possible to find gorgeous underwear in sensuous fabrics for all sizes, to reveal what you want to show off and conceal the bits you don't!

"Sexy undies are not just about peephole bras and crotchless knickers. Instead of scratchy lace, think about items in soft materials, like satins and silks, which feel fantastic against the skin and are sexy for him to touch."

Try Bravissimo (www.bravissimo.com) for sexy styles for larger figures. Agent Provocateur underwear is classy but pricy (www.agentprovocateur.com) but they also design sexy and affordable styles for Marks & Spencer.

"Wearing your best underwear more often gives you a boost all day," says Julia. "Arousal isn't about just what happens when you go to bed. You may not always be aware of it, but most of us do have sexy thoughts during the day - whether we pay attention to them or not is up to us.

"But if you know you're looking good you're more likely to hold on to sexy thoughts and your sex life can't fail to improve." So throw out those greying bras and sagging big pants now!

4. Ask him for one thing in bed you've never asked for before

"People get into routines with sex," says Julia. 'If you can say something like: "I'd really love you to give me a massage' or: 'Let's make love on the kitchen table," it adds an element of surprise - and men love it when a woman takes the initiative! It's very important HOW you ask, though. Don't say: "You NEVER do such-and-such.' Instead say: 'It would really turn me on if you did...whatever.'"

5. Write a wish list

Now's your chance to write down all the things you'd like to get from sex. Show it to him if you want, but you don't have to. The important thing is to get clear in your mind what it is you DO want, rather than all the things you don't. Just doing this simple thing is an effective way to crystallise in your mind the sort of sex life you like and is the starting point for going out to get it.

Julia advises: "Make a list of all the common sex activities and grade them - 1 being things you hate, up to 10 for things you really love. Trade lists with your partner and you'll both have a far better idea of what turns each of you on. And you're certain to have at least one or two preferences in common.

"It's so easy day-to-day to forget what you really like about sex, particularly if you've got into a pattern of having sex you don't enjoy. When you get into this sort of rut, you can give up hoping for sex to get better, and not bother to express your needs. This 'grading system' stops you feeling that way."

6. Go away together/out on a date

This is the answer if your commonest complaint is that you're fed up with never having enough time for sex. If you blame the kids, the housework or being in the same place all the time as the reason for a boring love life, then getting into a different environment is a good way to get back on track.

Says Julia: "Taking yourselves away from all the usual pressures will allow you to reconnect and realise that your sex life actually is ok. If you start believing your sex life is bad, this will stop you doing it at all. It becomes a vicious circle which is very hard to break."

7. Get pampered

Anything that makes you feel good in yourself, be it getting a regular pedicure or buying new clothes, is directly related to how sexy you feel.

Julia says: "People tend to live up to how they feel they look. If you always wear your tattiest clothes, never get your hair done and get no exercise, chances are you'll rarely feel sexy. Looking in the mirror and seeing your reflection looking its best will make you feel desirable - and you'll be more desirable."