Siski Green
In a study published in The American Journal of Family Therapy, women rated kissing as more important than caressing, stroking, hugging or massages. But the evidence points to a male population unwilling to give the greatest oral tradition the time and dedication it deserves.
"All women said the guys - especially the married guys - don't kiss enough," says Laurence Roy Stains, discussing the results of a survey of over 2 000 women in What Women Want.
It may be down to the way attitudes to sex have changed in the last 20 to 30 years. The word "orgasm" barely appeared in print in the Seventies but now you can easily find information on anything from G-spots to nipple clamps. "Sex is no longer seen as such a big deal", says psychosexual therapist Vicki Ford. "Where couples used to take weeks and even months before they decided to have sex - spending much of their time kissing and caressing - it's now much more common to move straight from kissing to sex within a few dates."
The case for kissing
“I have no idea why men haven’t worked out that kissing gets a woman in the mood quicker than asking straight out,” laughs picture researcher Pat Sketcher. “It’s such an easy way to turn a woman on - it’s far more effective than words. Or even presents.”
Putting lip to lip does much more than just prime her for sex, but it certainly does that job too. “The combination of physical arousal and the psychological meaning of exploring each other’s oral cavities makes this one of the best methods of getting a woman aroused,” says Dr Pam Spurr, author of Sinful Sex. “It’s a way of kick-starting the body to get it ready for sex.” This is true for you too - let her spend time brushing your lips with hers and tenderly tonguing your tongue and you’ll find yourself in a state of arousal that you probably haven’t experienced since you were 17.
“My first kiss with my current partner was electric,” says administrative assistant Beverly Comboy. “He was my best friend, and one night, as he comforted me, we just started kissing. It felt both wrong and right at the same time ¬ and very sexy for it.”
However effective your oral foreplay proves, though, take time to enjoy it for its own sake. Your lips are so packed with sensitive nerve-endings that even a gentle brush across them can stimulate an area in your brain larger than the area stimulated by a touch to your genitals.
As you kiss, you use 34 facial muscles and your heartbeat rises to the same rate that it would if you were doing a 100m sprint. Adrenalin is released and your immune system sends out an army of white blood cells into your veins. You experience a surge in norepinephrine, dopamine and phenylethylamine. “These chemicals are neurotransmitters, which then attach to the pleasure receptors in the brain to create feelings of euphoria, giddiness and elation,” says Dr Marta Meana, a professor specialising in sexuality and health psychology. You’ll experience this as an explosive rush of joy - the type that’s usually associated with being in love, great sex and winning the lottery.
And the “high” doesn’t stop with your first kiss: as your lips and tongues get increasingly familiar, your brains are signalled to release oxytocin.
“This is a chemical that interacts with our hormones, enhancing sexual pleasure and contributing to arousal and orgasm,” says Hank Wuh, author of Sexual Fitness. So your lips lay the groundwork for extra-special sex.
Oxytocin has more strings to its Cupidesque bow than just priming you for extra pleasure, though - it makes sure you both come back for more. The chemical prompts you - and her - to have another kiss... and another... and another.
“When we kiss, the insides of our mouths and the edges of our lips produce a chemical (oxytocin) that shouts for more,” says Professor Ingelore Ebberfeld, who has studied the science of kissing for over 10 years. “It’s incredibly addictive.”
Even if you’ve been together for years, gently probing her mouth will remind her of the raging lust she felt for you when you first met. “Kissing a woman passionately when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time is almost guaranteed to make her giggle and blush like a teenager again,” says relationship counsellor Julia Cole, from www.emotionalbliss.co.uk.
“If my boyfriend stopped kissing me, I’d think he’d stopped fancying me,” says PA Sandi Madikane. “It’s how I know he really cares about me.”
Not convinced yet? Be warned: not puckering up could mean the kiss of death for your relationship. The sex boffins maintain that when kissing stops, sex is on its way out too. And the results of a study published in The American Journal of Family Therapy conclusively support the theory. “Kissing is a good indicator of how healthy a relationship is in terms of intimacy,” concurs Vicki Ford. And when a woman feels there’s a lack of intimacy in a relationship, she is far less likely to initiate or even want sex. “It’s a problem that needs to be resolved if the relationship is to survive,” says Ford.
“My husband Justin sometimes picks me up, swings me round and kisses me on the lips,” says teacher Joanna Marais. “He’s not very good at romantic stuff, so those moments mean so much. It makes me giggle like a teenager.”
In fact, the very simple act of putting your mouth where your honey is, is so important that the time you spend doing it corresponds directly to her overall satisfaction in the relationship, says Ebberfeld.
If lack of sex is becoming an issue for you or her, kissing can help restore a level of intimacy, rescuing your sex life and ultimately the whole partnership.
“The face-on-face contact involved in kissing - which can be avoided during sex - gives relationships the closeness necessary for longevity,” says Dr Pam Spurr. “And reintroducing this element of interaction reminds couples of how they were together when they first met, which can help rekindle emotions that have become repressed.”
Just one word of warning: be careful she doesn’t think you’re only kissing her to get in her pants. Apparently, this will make your lips lose their magic.
“If she believes you only do it so you can get sex, she’ll begin to resent your kisses as she knows you’re after one thing,” says Spurr. “But if it can be seen as an end in itself, it will make both parties feel loved.”
“First nights are always nerve- racking,” says set designer Gillian Pearce, “but if my husband is watching the show, he comes backstage and gives me a big kiss beforehand. It doesn’t calm me down - I usually get butterflies - but it helps take away any worries about work.”
So, a simple kiss also helps build self-esteem, making you both feel attractive and wanted. “A loving kiss gives your ego an instant boost,” says Val Simpson, co-author of How to Have Great Sex for the Rest of your Life.
Still need convincing? Here’s the clincher: just a quick peck on the lips could prolong your life. A German study concluded that those who kiss their spouse each morning miss less work because of illness than those who don’t.
And that’s not all, kissers also have fewer car accidents on the way to work, earn 20 to 30 percent more and live approximately five years longer. Dr Arthur Sazbo, one
of the psychologists behind the studies, says the explanation for the good fortune is that those who have a morning kiss begin the day with a positive attitude.
Pleasure Principles: Your Mouth-To-Mouth Masterclass
“Because we had been best friends, our first kiss was extremely tentative,” says graphic designer Domi Malacarne. “It was almost as though we didn’t dare touch each other. But the way he kissed me made me realise he was the man I wanted to be with.”
If you’re single but aiming not to be for much longer, be aware that kissing is your love curriculum vitae - how you do it will determine whether you get invited in for a full interview. “Obviously there needs to be an initial attraction for two people to want to kiss in the first place,” says Vicki Ford. “But getting it right can heighten the physical response.”
And, says Jamie Goddard, author of Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men, as with sex, what rocks one woman’s world may barely cause a tremor in another’s, but there are some golden rules that’ll help you score high in any oral examination.
“I think it’s important to leave the more unusual techniques, like lip biting and running tongues over teeth, till you’ve got to know each other,” says fashion student Kelly Cole. “Matt started by kissing me simply, and now he’s learnt what I do and don’t like - sucking my top lip is a real turn-on.”
First, make sure you’re sensitive enough to adapt to each situation. “Respond to how she’s kissing you,” says Spurr. “If she’s holding her lips soft and touching them gently against yours then she wants you to do the same; if she’s pushing her mouth hard against yours, she’s probably after something more passionate and frantic.”
Not getting any clear signals? Go gently. Generally speaking, the softer you hold your lips the better: only nine percent of women believe firm pressure makes a good kisser.
“The best kisses are those you least expect,” says Suzie Denham, a fitness instructor. “Leaving the house in the morning doesn’t count - nor does arriving. My boyfriend sometimes does it when I’ve got my mouth full of food - it sounds gross but I love it because it means he can’t resist me!”
As with comedy, timing is of the essence.
For first kisses, you may want to take the lead: according to www.virtualkiss.com, 56 percent of people say they think the man should initiate the first kiss, 36 percent think it doesn’t matter and only eight percent think the woman should. Even after that initial meeting of lips, you should still pay attention to timing. So consider avoiding full-on tongue swordplay in the mornings, when breath isn’t at its freshest - 43 percent of respondents to the www.virtualkiss.com survey said that bad breath had ruined a kiss for them.
But try not to limit your kisses to specific times of the day. Surprising her with a smacker - when she’s reading a magazine or putting on her shoes, for example - will boost her ego and trigger those feel-good hormones in both of you.
Make a concerted effort to kiss each other when there’s no way it can lead to sex. “Do it as you’re on your way out in the evening, when you’re dropping her off at work or just before you sit down to breakfast,” says Spurr. This is important as it makes it clear that you don’t see it simply as a route to sex.
Think about where you are or who you’re with, too: 29 percent of survey respondents said they felt someone walking in on them would spoil an otherwise-perfect lip-locking moment. “Women are often self-conscious about full-on kissing in public,” says Ford. “It’s difficult to completely lose yourself in the experience when you know people are watching.”
“It’s absolutely incredible that so many men can get kissing so wrong,” says communications manager Cheryl Henry. “Hard, thrusting tongues are a turn-off, although a limp one that just sits in your mouth is even worse.”
As for nuances of technique and at the risk of sounding obvious: don’t forget to breathe. Breathing while kissing stops you becoming a “hoover kisser”, where her tongue is left in an open cavity - your mouth - searching for contact. She suggests keeping your kissing tempo down, as most women find slow, soft kisses the most erotic. And moving away from her lips every now and again allows you to breathe, make eye contact and kiss her cheeks or other facial areas.
If you’ve got lip-locking licked by now, you’re ready to move on to the masterclass. Try communicating while you’re kissing. Make “mmm” noises as you swap saliva to let her know just how much you’re enjoying it and also take a moment to describe your sensations between smackers. “Tell her you think she feels great, tastes great or smells great,” says Ford. “It will make her relax and enjoy it even more.”
Another good variation is to hold her head with your hands as you kiss. “Women particularly like this technique,” says Ford. “It can feel relaxing to have their partner take control of the kiss, as well as signalling 'I find you so sexy I want to keep you here'.”
“When a guy stops kissing you during sex, you know he’s now totally focused on himself,” says social worker Kirsten Jantjies. “If you haven’t already come, there’s no chance you will now!”
Finally, don’t stop when matters proceed - as they probably will - to the bedroom. “Kissing during sex accentuates the feeling of togetherness,” says Julia Cole. “It makes both of you feel as though you are focused on each other - on an emotional and a physical level.” Plant tender kisses on her lips as you first enter her, take a small break from thrusting, and as you do, use your tongue to explore the edges of her lips as well as her tongue.
Cole also recommends tugging gently on her lips with your teeth. “As things become more heated your approach can be much firmer,” she says. “And you’ll find that the more you both kiss, the more passionate the experience will feel. The end result? Incredible orgasms.”
So there you go, forget all the blue pills and cheap thrills, the coital geo-metry and vaginal geography, and rediscover the lost art of the kiss.
For once in your (sex) life you can even forego most of the talking. After all, in the words of the impossibly-kissable Ingrid Bergman, “A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.”
The Kissing Link: why did lip service evolve?
Anthropologists aren’t sure why we started kissing. Some theorise that it stems from feeding - mothers would chew food then spit it into their child’s mouth. From here, kissing became a recognised sign of affection. Others claim our obsession with our partner’s lips arises from their likeness to women’s “other lips”.
Darwin argued that kissing was instinctive on the basis that the pygmy chimpanzees of then-Zaire kiss, thrusting their tongues into each other’s mouths. Anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of Anatomy of Love supports that
view: “it’s logical to conclude that it is a primitive and common act.”
But others argue that it’s by no means universal among humans: the Somali people didn’t kiss until Western contact, and the Thonga tribes in southern Africa consider it to be a disgusting act, as do some Finnish tribes.
The kissing evolutionists argue there’s more to it than affection, though. “When a man kisses a woman, he’s passing her an incredibly detailed genetic
message,” says therapist Vicki Ford. “Women use this information - subconsciously - to assess whether or not he is a potential mate.”
According to German researchers, we’re attracted to people whose genes are the least similar to our own, in order to produce healthy offspring and avoid inbreeding. Kissing, smelling and tasting a potential mate is the best way to find out if their genes complement yours. |
